The first mistake I made in dating was assuming it would be like the romance films. For the longest, I ran with the belief I would meet my high school sweetheart and we would live happily ever after. Two heartbreaks later, I figured Tinder could mend the heartache of the guys who had drained me emotionally.
I’m 23 and still haven’t snagged a proper boyfriend.
Dating sucks. On the bright side of it all, I’ve learned quite a bit about guys. Specifically, which types to avoid in intimate relationships. They seem like small issues but trust me when I say they’re more than that in the worst way possible.
#1. The ones with the high self-esteem
It’s good to be confident but not at the expense of others. These guys think so highly of themselves that their “compliments” feel backhanded. It doesn’t matter if you like something about yourself or not, they will find a way to rain on your parade all to make themselves feel on top of the world.
I’m all for a man being confident. But if you want tips, watch a few of Jack Harlow’s interviews and listen to how he speaks of himself and those around him. And please men, take notes.
#2. The guys with the low self-esteem.
I understand everyone will have an insecurity. On the other hand, these are the guys asking for attention when you’re already giving it to them. No amount of praise on your end can change their mind and it’s especially frustrating when they’re not making an effort to improve their images of themselves.
A guy I recently dealt with is someone I consider conventionally attractive. Almost every woman he meets compliments his physical appearance, yet he feels it’s necessary to belittle everything they say about him. I was for sure one of those women. My mom asked an interesting question after I revealed his mentality to her: “If he can’t uplift himself, what makes you think he’ll uplift you?”
#3. The ones with the racial fetish.
No woman realizes she’s dating a man with a race fetish until after the red flags have risen. Most– if not all– of these guys comments about you are sexual. They’ll go as far as never introducing you to their loved ones but be quick to display a woman of the same race as if she’s the Oscar award trophy.
It’s been close to a year now, but I briefly talked to a guy with a fetish for black women. I didn’t conclude he had this obsession until after he unadded me on Snapchat and unfollowed me on Instagram. I was fortunate enough to witness his tweets on Twitter; he told white women how beautiful they were while vocalizing his fantasies of sleeping with black female celebrities. The cherry on top: he was blunt in revealing he only wanted a friends with benefits relationship with me.
#4. The guys that don’t give you an option
They’re giving you subtle ultimatums to get their way. Well, they can be on the down low or plain as day. While they want everything in a relationship to benefit them, your wants are never considered.
One guy asked me out, but we hadn’t been on enough dates for me to claim him as my boyfriend yet (it was our second date). He had confessed to liking me months prior but wasn’t giving me anything to work with leading up to that night; I honestly didn’t know anything else about him aside from what he did for a living and that he liked to fix up his car. That same evening, he confessed to talking to another woman. All I suggested is we spend more time together before we make things official. I guess he didn’t like that response because he suddenly became distant after that.
#5. The ones that are dismissive
The only problems they can acknowledge are their own. They lack empathy for those around them. Your problems are swept under the rug when you need support and you’re left wondering if you’ve been exaggerating about it all.
One of the guys I already mentioned did this after I explained why I’m not a huge fan of Michael B. Jordan. As a woman who has been on both ends of the colorism spectrum, I felt like my reasoning was downplayed by the same person wanting me to empathize with him on his experience with racism. After that, I was no longer vulnerable about those issues with him.
#6. The guys that want the benefits… but no title
They’re calling you all these pet names and labeling everything as a date. They’ve already met your parents and get on well with them. What derails everything is asking them what you are or when you guys can go public with your relationship. Next thing you know, you’re being ghosted. Or you’re being told the feelings are not mutual and you should go your separate ways.
#7. The ones not over their ex-girlfriends.
I’m all for discussing previous relationships to prevent potential problems in the next one. Where I draw the line is someone bringing up an ex 24/7 unprovoked. These guys are either speaking highly of their ex-girlfriends to make you feel insecure/jealous or lowly when they’re called out on nonsense they’ve done that rightfully offends you.
#8. The guys that are immature.
Some people want a partner to bring out the child within. Others don’t. If you’re the latter, these guys can never be taken seriously. Everything is a joke to them and you feel like your needs as their significant other are never met. These are usually the guys that have never interacted with any girl except female relatives.
I once chased a guy who was interested in me but never made an effort in connecting (don’t ask why, just know it happened). He jumped at every opportunity for freedom from responsibilities to strictly be with friends. Even when I attended events as his plus one, I was ignored. This is the same guy that wouldn’t hesitate to glare at any other dude showing me an ounce of attention. On top of this double standard, I can’t recall a single serious discussion we had because everything was turned into a joke by him.
Most of these encounters left me in tears when the outcome was not what I anticipated. As time passed, I gradually accepted those situationships for what they were: learning experiences. Every day, we learn something new.
It doesn’t stop at high school and it definitely doesn’t stop after graduating college. You can gather a lot of information about the human experience in the real world. What I learned from my dating shenanigans is to never settle for less if you know your worth.
I know what I want in a man because I love myself. Do you?