I recently caught up with Real Talk with Yanie by watching one of her videos analyzing toxic friendships. At some point, she asks her viewers, “Why do we stay with toxic people?”
This prompted me to reflect on my friendships. How, as the “nice person,” I was always taken advantage of. Or how my emotional pain in being wronged was never validated. Even worse, how I’m no longer close to the people I considered good friends. Yet, I didn’t drop them because I didn’t want to be alone.
Hoping for a change of heart grew to be futile on my end. So, I put those people on the back burner like they did with me. It’s been a few weeks but I’m glad I made that switch. I’ve been focusing on becoming the person I’ve aspired to be for a while now.
You’re probably reading this because you’re trying to remove yourself from this harmful predicament. Or maybe you’re questioning the actions of your peeps. Whatever the answer may be, I can help you out. I won’t lie though: it’s not easy.
1. Reflect on the toxic friendship.
You need to think of everything that went left in this relationship by asking yourself questions. Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Maybe use your notepad on your phone or tablet if you’re a digital person. Ask questions like:
- What all did this “friend” do?
- Does the bad outweigh the good?
- Have you addressed the problems with this “friend”?
- How did they respond if you did address them?
- Was an apology and changed behavior on their end ever initiated?
Sometimes, it’s best to consider their bonds with other people aside from you as well. I once had a friend who fell out with every person they befriended before meeting me. According to them, they were never at fault. Eventually, we had our falling out and that’s when I could see the toxic traits that drove others away. The rose-colored glasses finally slid down the bridge of my nose.
This is when the second step enters the chat.
2. Walk away from it all.
There are three routes you can travel for this step: explain yourself, create barricades, or fade out.
Explain yourself. This option is reserved for people you know will not react irrationally when faced with confrontation. Tell them you will be ending the friendship and why (that part is extremely important). You must reveal every instance of hurt and how your overall feelings were never considered. In case the friend’s reaction does alarm you after everything is on the table, safely remove yourself from the situation and move on to option two.
Create barricades. Call it childish but it’s sometimes safe to cancel a toxic friendship this way. That means blocking them on all social media platforms, changing your number if you have to, and avoiding them at social gatherings if you both happen to share the same group of friends. This type of canceling usually happens after the biggest argument between you and this “friend.”
Fade out. The only reason I’m practicing this method is because I was the one putting in the legwork and some of the issues previously addressed became repetitive. I had a friend who you could never hold accountable because their response was to gaslight you every time. If you feel having a discussion is pointless for actions that continue to repeat within that relationship, stop reaching out through texts and/or phone calls. Make yourself unavailable for being an emotional dumpster or a last-minute resort to hanging out. Toxic people eventually take the hint you are no longer interested when you stop initiating everything.
3. Lean on others for growth.
It’s never easy moving on from any friendship. Sometimes, the good memories cloud the bad ones. Other times, that person will return on their own accord to start over. No matter the outcome, make sure your true friends and family are aware of the situation, so they can be present throughout your healing process.
These are the companions that will remind you of how miserable you once were with that toxic friend. Although they exist to encourage you to be the best you can be, it’s not their sole responsibility to “fix” you. That part comes from you seeking out professional help and following through on your therapist’s suggestions for improving relationships.
Whether the damage from the former bond resemble a minor scratch or be immense enough for you to no longer trust people, seeing a therapist in the aftermath is important. You may not realize it but maybe you have developed some bad habits from that rough time. At the end of the day, your mental health is your number one priority.
My dad once told me it’s better to be alone and happy than with stay with someone and be miserable. Although I will always have him, the rest of my family, and the couple friends I still talk to, I knew I needed to rid myself of those toxic people. The last thing I wanted to become is the very person that hurt me and practice those behaviors on those I love.
Since ending those bonds, that despairing weight on my shoulders no longer exists. I’m getting back into the swing of things by picking up my hobbies again and building the young woman I’ve envisioned since my teenage days. I’m also appreciating those that truly care about me.
And you can do the same too. As I said before, it will never be easy leaving behind people you share some good memories with. What you need to remember is your pain and chasing a happy life without them.